One thing that should never surprise a gardener is that there is always something new to be learned. I’ve been gardening for 17 years now. I’ve gardened in four different cold-hardiness zones. I’ve gardened in the land of the fire ants and the killer bees, so you’d think that the insect world wouldn’t take me by surprise.

And then I met the Japanese beetle.

(Pause for several minutes of obscenities until I regain my composure.)

Those @#$%& Japanese @#$%& bastards beetles are sucking the life out of my garden! What are these sadistic creatures?? They spend their oh-too-long lives eating my grapes and my beans and f@#%ing each other senseless, only to pop out another generation of these monsters for next year, I’m sure. Oh, they’re bastards all right. BASTARDS!

I’m doing my love-the-earth, organic-gardening best to get rid of these BASTARDS in a way that won’t load up my garden with toxic chemicals and kill all the ladybugs, but my patience is wearing thin. The traps I’ve set out have caught millions of these Japanese BASTARDS, but even still, enough are living to turn my newly-planted grapes into lacework. (As a knitter, I should embrace lace, but not on my plants!) Tomorrow, I’m driving as fast as my little Mini can get me to the local Agway to beg and plead them to give me some hope that I can do something to keep this BASTARD population under control.

Now, I’ve always taken a really laid-back approach to bugs in the garden. I’ve always planted a bit more than I need, figuring I’ll sacrifice some to the bugs and there will still be enough for me. But I never met a Japanese beetle, I mean BASTARD, before. DAMN! If fire ants in Texas couldn’t make me abandon organic gardening, I thought nothing could.¬† GODDAM-JAPANESE-BEETLE-BASTARDS!!!!!!!

Rant over.


One Response to “Japanese BASTARDS–I mean, BEETLES”

  1. TragicSandwich Says:

    I remember Japanese beetles from our garden in Maryland when I was a kid. They are a plague upon the earth, and should be eradicated. I hope you find an organic way to do so!

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